9 Things I Hate About Casinos

Arizona employs very few auditors and casino managment software is so easily manipulated through scripts, that you might as well just mail your money in and save the gas!!! After all, couldn't anyone get accused of it, since it's a crime committed entirely inside your head? I hated working the night shift. All those commercials on TV showing young, attractive people throwing back their heads in ecstasy as they clink champagne glasses and throw dice across the card tables are lies. I am sure tings have changed dramatically there. Then there is the time-tested "I'm new to blackjack" shtick.

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However, I didn't have the time or energy to dress like some single businessman with money to burn, nor did I desire to wear the false mustaches some of my colleagues donned no, really. So, I adopted other masks, like "the drunk," making myself look as if I could barely count how many fingers I had, least of all keep a running total in blackjack. I never actually drank on the job alcohol does not improve your math skills, it turns out but who says you can't fill a beer bottle with water and then slur some words?

Then there is the time-tested "I'm new to blackjack" shtick. Whenever I would make an apparently risky move at the tables, I would try to act as if I was waaay out of my depth, biting my nails and saying stuff like: I'd like to buy a vowel! And then, when I won, the pit bosses would see a dumb bastard who's just gotten lucky and walk away thinking: Now, if you're asking why an advanced math genius would get into card counting instead of a career in rocket science or something, that brings up another myth Let me step away from hating on 21 for a while and instead hate on The Hangover.

Remember the scene where Zach Galifianakis' character is counting cards and there are all these equations and calculus variables floating around his head? It's played for laughs, but for the wrong reason -- the joke is that this random silly dude turns out to be a math genius. But in reality he could have counted cards as just a random silly dude.

Pictures I'm guessing Galifianakis doesn't need physics to count his millions every single night. Simply put, counting cards is little more than high-speed, basic arithmetic that almost anyone can master. Contrary to what you might think, it's not a matter of using your giant brain to calculate the exact odds that the next card out of the deck is going to be an ace -- it's just a matter of keeping a simple score in your head.

You start off with 0, and for each 2 through 6 card that comes on the table, you add a point to the count. You deduct a point for cards 10 through ace. For 7, 8, and 9, you don't add or subtract anything. As the number in your head grows, you can start betting more. So, imagine you and I are playing a hand, and you end up with, say, a 7 and a 10, and I have 3, 8, and 9.

The dealer has a 3, a 4, and a queen. We deduct two points for your 10 and the dealer's queen, add three points for my 3 and the dealer's , so the score in your head stands at 1.

This is good news for you, because a positive count means that there are more big cards remaining in the deck. If the count grows in later hands, you can start betting more, because a higher ratio of big cards increases the player's chances of beating the house and even hitting those tasty blackjacks. Admittedly, you have to do some other calculations and memorize some tables before you'll be ready to make intelligent increases in your bets, to say nothing of having to learn how to do it under pressure.

United Artists I swear this article wasn't just an excuse to rant against some of the movies I don't like. This method is called the Hi-Lo system , and though it isn't the only method out there, it does accurately represent the essence of most card counting systems: It might all seem overwhelming in the beginning, but trust me, anyone can flip through a deck of cards and learn to keep a count, and rote memorization of a deviation chart is no more complicated than memorizing multiplication tables in second grade.

Besides, isn't learning a little math totally worth it for the chance to take casinos for millions of dollars and retire at age 20 to a private island in the Pacific? Even if you have a solid system, it's still a gambling game and you won't win every session, so a suitable bankroll protects you from the inevitable swings.

It doesn't work like that. You can get a lot out of blackjack only if you first put a lot into it. It's surprisingly similar to taking a shit in that regard. By counting cards, I usually gave myself a 1 percent advantage over the house. Not bad, but I doubt Hollywood will be breaking down my door anytime soon for the film rights to my story.

I love this question, because I know this is the sexy part people want to know about. But you have to understand that this is all about the long run. So the question you also have to ask is: The reality of blackjack is decidedly unsexy. You can get rich from it only in the same way that opening a carpet store may one day make you a millionaire.

Blackjack can be beaten -- but you have to be willing to grind it out. So, wait, am I saying that counting cards at blackjack is That's exactly what I'm saying. It's a job that starts out all super fun but soon becomes a tedious monotony consisting mostly of staring at cigarette burns in green felt and dealing with tiresome casino patrons and dealers. That's why I quit -- not because I cashed out and bought my island or because casino thugs dragged me into a back room and took a hammer to my finger bones.

When you take a thrilling game of chance and turn it into a running series of calculations, well Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist and editor.

Contact him at c. Have a fascinating story or life experience to share with Cracked? Have a friend who might find the life of a card counter alluring? I suppose everyone could make their own list about things they hate about casinos but today I have the stage and need to blow off a little steam.

Nothing in particular triggered this rant, but over the years of visiting different casinos many things have been irritating. Your list may be different than this one, but I bet many of the things below do make your list. I still go to the casino and plan to continue going for the rest of my life. Feel free to disagree with anything on this list.

The nice thing about coming up with lists is they get people thinking. Whenever I read a list I find things I agree with and things that should be replaced. I hope you get something out of it as well. The slot machines are constantly spewing out noise , the craps pit is filled with loud shouts of glee and angst depending on the last roll of the dice, and even the table games are filled with people talking about anything and everything.

I just wish it were a little quieter. Of course you can play online from anywhere you can get an internet or phone connection, so there are choices that provide the chance for a quiet environment while gambling. I gamble online, but I really enjoy the feel of a land based casino.

He might be right, but I told him he had issues with sharing his opinion too much. We had a good laugh and I quit complaining about the noise to him.

That was probably his goal in the first place. But in some of the private poker games I play in some of the players smoke. But I support that people who like to smoke have a right to do so. Depending on the gambling activities you enjoy, you might need to have at least a few people around.

During the weekends, especially in the evening, most casinos are filled with people. You can play from eight or nine AM to early afternoon and miss most of the worst crowds, especially if you play during the week. If the casino is open 24 hours a day you can start playing even earlier. Sometimes things are different depending on how you look at it. It means I have more choice when it comes to table selection and can switch tables if I want to. And they have an edge in almost everything they do.

I tend to stick with poker, sports betting, and blackjack most of the time because they at least give me a chance to play a break even game or win over time. When I play other games I either play for free online or play with a small portion of my bankroll. The good news is if you pick games with a low house edge and take advantage of the comps program most casinos offer you can gamble for a long time without losing too much money.

When you go out to a show and to eat the money is simply gone at the end of the night. Some casinos are better when it comes to drunk players than others, but most casinos have at least a few. They tend to be loud, spill drinks, and often share too much information and advice with others. Once again, sometimes a problem for one person is a blessing for others.

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