How to Stop People Putting You Down
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If I wanted to destroy an enemy society, and had a long-term focus, wanted to do it stealthily, and effectively, to make the society destroy itself and the ability to defend itself, I would do the following:.
Turkey is not an ally. Turkey has not been an ally of the West for a long time. Turkey is a corrupt, Islamist regime that cannot be trusted to defend the alliance, at least not until there is a leadership and political change in-country.
As Congress and the Trump administration announce sanctions and tariffs on just about every country in the world, it should be noted that this will be the last time the U. There have been many theories behind the president's decision to reverse sanctions against Chinese telecom giant ZTE, and allow it to survive and deal with American companies.
The Western media have made a big deal about the threat from Vladimir Putin's Russia. But as I've written before, even though it could, it's not Moscow that is threatening to destroy the United States and Israel. Special counsel Robert Mueller is going after a group in Washington. They have one single crime. They are Trump Republicans. I've written many times before about how you have to look at the consequences of a politician's actions and policies to judge his priorities, not his oratory.
Major League Baseball brings its annual summer All-Star classic to our nation's capital this week. Imagine for a moment that Rudy Giuliani, President Trump's attorney, went to witnesses in the Mueller special investigation and said, "The president will give you fill in the blank , if you will give evidence and testify favorably for the president.
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani's visit to European capitals went forward this week, despite the brazen incident, in a bid to save the nuclear accord with Europe and the lucrative business deals Tehran hopes go along with it. I suspect I am a bit of a hopeless case. Fearless Wow, the more you explain your story, the more apparent it is you have been through sooo much, all while raising a daughter.
Sorry to barge into your convo with Grace, but can I ask a question? Your comment surprised me, but I suppose I only know what I have read about you for a few weeks. Hugs to you as you continue your journey. They are fence sitters. They are literally fearful of making a decision either way, so they just eff people about instead, running hot and cold to manage their options.
But I am more of the passive kind of EU person, which makes me vulnerable to the active kind the EU male. So I go on; and I think I am fearful of thinking too much about my part in it — it shocks me deeply. I just try to be glad I found my way out before I died in that rabbit hole the way out came in the form of Natalie Lue; to her I will always be grateful.
Thanks for your kind words Learner — appreciate! Blowing hot and cold works for them. As soon as the person feels they are getting too close or that the other person is getting too close, they retreat. The more effort you put in the more they realise they can do whatever they want and you will still be there.
Meantime, the other person feels left out in the cold. My parents are nutters. I live on the moon. My past is too complicated. It can be uncomfortable. I appreciate too your comment that I merely played it out with one man rather than with many.
I am quite pleased that I have made some progress. I had lunch with four guys. Another guy was someone who I would have immediately been attracted to in the past aloof and stand offish the very challenge I like. It transpired in later conversation he had a girlfriend who guess what lived overseas… I laughed to myself. The fourth guy is a friend of mine who invited me to lunch in first place.
Grace you give me hope that we can keep progressing along getting better. Fearless I relate so much to what you say and it is hard to stop and think wow I let him treat me in such and such a way where was my head?
You are further ahead than me. Well done; sounds like you know what you want. I run hot and cold with the idea. I questioned myself further: Enough of the ambivalence — no more excuses.
Decide, Fearless, on balance, would you like to be in a relationship or not? Yes, of course, I would. Quick rethink on answer one: IF it was a good relationship. And at that it struck me: I associate it with abandonment anxiety BR as helped me to understand that — I never knew that before. I had a good relationship with my first boyfriend at 16 years old until I was about 22, but we were young and both moved on eventually. My second boyfriend was great for a while, but that went tits up after two years.
I ended up very hurt and it took me too long to get over it. Since then I have only ever found relationships difficult, hurtful and very very disappointing I own my part in that — in my choices. I got the relationships I asked for. I am willing to put myself out there. I seriously need to dump my hot and cold approach to myself and my future. I am at least seeing my running hot and cold with myself and my needs and desires as a really serious issue that has to be dealt with.
Or am I still kidding myself? Why not just be open to some new experiences, hobbies, places to hang out and see what and who is out there? Thanks for that and the rest. Thank you so much for your encouragement. Mingling with some new folks is just mingling with some new folks. Even a date would be, well, just a date!
It took me running hot and cold before I could answer your last two questions affirmatively and then to trust my judgment even though I wobble a bit. I am committed to treating him decently, not letting the fantasizing or anxiety get the better of me, to keeping my word and to the fact that one day I may very well have to live a life of compromise over when I eat, what I eat, when I go to bed,what I do with my time. But I consider the sacrifice of freedom to be worth it. I am still learning what it is to love and be loved.
The man has been a huge help to me. A good man really can lighten the load and not just be a burden on you! That is as far as I have progressed, but it is a start. I can state in all certainity that I have not had a single healthy relationship when I was younger I was quite the ass clown with hot and cold behaviour disappearing etc. Then I switched and put with all kinds of shady behaviour.
When I thought about a healthy relationship I would literally feel fear. Even now it has lessened but dig deep enough and many fears are still there. You have made progress Fearless for one you are no longer in contact with your ex eum and have not been for a long time.
I think it takes time to assess and sort through everything that happened in that relationship and you written many conclusions of what you will no longer put up with in a relationship and you are willing to learn. There are people out there who do no self examination and die in unhappy relationships thinking that is the best they can do I think of the woman I used to live next door to 19 years she had endured of him physically abusing her and she was still hanging on in there waiting for him to change sad.
So no you are not kidding yourself, Fearless, you have made progress and are still on the journey which can take you to where you want to go even if that is where you are a peace with yourself and happy single or within a relationship.
Another awesome article Nat… I so wish I had found this site yrs ago. They were years wasted on a EUM.. Although, at the time I didnt know what a EUM was.. I knew there was something amiss but it was hard to figure it out, and I thought it was something about me… ughhh.. WE were both coming off long marriages , kids, hitting middle age… I was happy for the most part because I had just come out of a yukky marriage and this man was total opposite of my ex-husband.
Successful, handsome, attentive, caring, exciting, romantic and I got sucked into a fantasy relationship and jumped right up on that emotional rollercoaster ride and all that goes along with it.. Then after 9yrs together I was replaced, unbeknownst to be he had been out shopping for my replacement. For the most part I am glad its over, I am off that ride, and I have had time to heal. Been NC for most of time since I caught him. Theres nothing to talk about, nothing to say. Its all about his needs, his wants, him, him , him….
YUK… I know I deserve better, always did. Its been almost a year. I am so much better and see everything so clearly now. I know I exhibited some EU behavior too or it would have never lasted as long as it did.
I am working on that. I thank you all for sharing your stories,. Nat I SO needed this post today!! My mistake is that I listen to my silly girlfriend, who said I was overreacting and did not know when a guy was really interested in me my ex was aggressively pursuing me in the beginning.
Instead, I should have followed the advice in your blog. I realized that I should have followed my first mind and not got involved with the ex in the first place. There were some good things that did come out of the relationship though: When he was blowing hot, he took care of me when I was sick and fixed up my house. For your next blog can you write about how to attract an emotionally available man like the one you found?
Natalie, You are have a detective mind. I found this so helpful. I have a married work friend of whom I am very fond indeed. But my emotions have become entangled. I get to a balanced place and think I have been imagining the push pull stuff ie I have a great work friend who happens to be attractive and I have made too much of things in the past, it was all in my head….
However, his behaviour also triggers this…Recently I was given a lot of support by this work colleague in a challenging aspect of my job. The next day he was in touch with another colleague about an event which also involved me.. I sent various emails and left a message with him about it. No contact since then. Now, he is super busy etc so it could also be interpreted as that. But I do feel that he shows up and has quite an impact on me and then drops everything to go on to his next role and with it me.
Or perhaps there is an element of him managing me up and down. Ask yourself why do you so desperately need his attention.
Felicity You are in danger. Maybe he has sensed that the two of you are going too far I certainly sense it and is retreating. There are plenty of other people on the planet. If you have no regard for his wife, at least respect yourself and quit this humiliation.
You are putting yourself at HUGE risk and are ripe for a fantasy relationship, or affair! And go see a psychologist ASAP to sort this one out.
Hey Felicity like Titi said, you are focusing on the wrong questions. A married man should not be blowing hot or cold. Those are red flags if the feelings are directed toward a MM. He was oh so helpful too. Those were two very miserable years and my story sounds like all the other OW stories on this blog and there are tons and other blogs as well.
Shopping, going to dinner, a picnic, sipping wine on the patio, making love to his wife? Grace is spot on. You are in danger girl and there is a barrowful of shite ahead if you chose to continue. Good luck to you…step away from the ledge and focus on YOU.
They inevitably have to disappear on a regular basis in order to live their real life with their wife. I found that it meant a lot about my unavailability.
This is an excellent post in breaking down what MOST personality disordered narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths , do. I appreciate your ability to break it down so well, into such simple terms.
He was so good at his game and I was so naive because I had been married to a good man for many years who died, and I had never associated with anybody like this A-hole. He was a master of blowing hot and cold. Finally, after 6 months of his shenanigans I was totally fed up and went NC.
The only way he could reach me was to come to my front door and I knew he would not lower his foolish pride to do that. I have never gone back and given him another chance. There have been times when I have actually cried and begged God to send me a good man who I could love safely and would love me without emotional abuse.
It has been very very hard, but I have not allowed myself to fall that low again. I am much stronger and much smarter now. Loving yourself first and foremost is the only way to go. It was a very tough lesson, but one I needed to learn. Sorry you have experienced this. I think I was naive too when I met ex EUM not to negate my own kind of emotional unavailability at that time. This describes my experience with an EUM to a T. It feels great to finally have my strength and confidence back.
After much work and reflection, I now value myself too much to succumb to this toxic pattern ever again. Thanks for this article, hopefully it will help others avoid similar pain. This is my life exactly! We are arguing at this moment and of course all of his distance is my fault because I expect too much!
There is so much mlre to this and i wish i could express it all and get advice. I think you know the answer. If he has not changed in this time, why would he change now?
He has issues that have nothing to do with you. Decide that you deserve more than this and end it. I have read so many things on here that have helped me become self aware, especially things like only valuing love from a reluctant source. My problem is that though I understand how things are working, my self esteem is still so low that the temporary satisfaction always lures me in.
I feel out of control. Natalie your commentary is so accurate. I am ashamed to have married two men like this. And continued the pattern in other realtionships. The last one gave me symptoms that were close to being Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The other day I saw a photo of him and remembered his borish behavior and was shocked to realize that I put up with him. I am firm in my committment to not allowing any bad behavior in the future.
However, if I am going to meet a man……the only way seems to be on line dating. The on line guys all seem to have the personality profiles of dangerous men. If they are good looking and confident……I freeze. I hear from men all over the country that think I am beautiful.. The men close to me are so elusive. They communicate and often break the dates before we meet.
I am a new empty nester. For 10 years while I was a single parent to one very wonderful daughter, I kept most of the bad men out of my life and away from my daughter. Now that I am truly avaialable, I am feeling so hopeless about finding a man who could love me. That pessimism is self-fulfilling. Yes, there is hope, if I at 47 after six years of no-dating can meet someone kind and caring then so can you.
Behind each man who was turned on only by my temper or threat to leave after month 3 was an unattentive, mild to flat out abusive mother. And they had clearly NOT gotten over it. And it was a lost lose lose situation. But the fact that they see it that way is a huge red flag regarding their own behavior. The best thing I have ever done for myself was spend the last 2 years, among many other things, looking in the mirror and figuring out anything that reflected them-and it finally got better when I used that to figure out MYSELF.
Happy Gal Amen, right on. Great insight, I like the mental gymnastics. Everything you said has rang true. Now I seem to keep finding EUM…. I hope I am done with ever dating another EUM. When i was younger i dated great men, andi was emotionally or in many ways time, etc unavialable. I have reached out to those men in my past that i hurt, and made amends because i know the damage and scars it can cause.
Actually i have had a few tell me how sorry they were…and it did help…but only temporarily. The issue lies within what we choose to accept for ourselves, and our self esteeem.
I liked your post a lot, thanks. What if you recognize this from the other side? My boyfriend is pretty consistent actually. The problem is that we are in a long-distance relationship now. We knew each other before long distance and then I had to move for job.
My current job academic is temporary and I need to find a permanent one which hopefully will happen next year. He agreed to move when I get a permanent place. For now we talk, Skype, text on a daily basis and see each other once a month for days we are 6 hours apart.
But when I get home. I need to stop it before we get in too deep! Your fears, I think, are more rational than chucking yourself headlong at someone. However, if you two have known each a while, like each other, if you get on, if you share the same values, if you both think you could have a future together, then you have to make the decision, as you do when you to go to work, to get on with the job in hand.
And commit to yourself and to your values. It is a risk. Beware the temptation to throw in the towel because you need to control the outcome. If I finish with the man tomorrow I will know tomorrow how it turns out. If I keep seeing him, I need to have faith, make an effort, be mindful. We have to live what we believe. Grace, thank you for your reply. Of course, I effectively end up hurting myself instead. I think I always had low self-esteem and anxiety issues. Low self-esteem is ugly. Usually a lot of negative thoughts are going through my head.
Each of those needs to be challenged, disproved, stopped in its tracks. I also have trouble believing that somebody can love me. Why would you do such a thing?!
Natalie, you have hit the nail right on the head! Thank you so much for all of your posts. You are helping so many people. This behavior has gone from blowing hot and cold to outright abusive treatment. He loves to tell me he is going to call and then not call! Then…he just hangs up on me. He does not sound like a caring, accountable man. I wish you strength as you begin NC. Just wanted to add that the exMM displayed similar behaviour with me.
He said I should not point out his flaws, but should focus on his strengths. Good luck to you! Thanks for all your responses. These situations can be very lonely and shameful. So thanks again to you and everyone here at BR. I confided the details of my epic EUM relationshit with only one good friend for a long time; she too was involved in a similar assclown hot and cold situation, so we understood each other and bemoaned our lot together for a veeerry long time.
Her assclown disappeared for good eventually when he married — clean out of nowhere — a third! It brought on real anxiety for me every time she phoned me and I care for her a great deal! Anyway, my point is that I stopped confiding in my only confidante I felt so ashamed of the way I was being treated: Yes, one of the very worst things about these situations is how isolating, and shameful and lonely they are.
He tells me nothing; I effing hate him. Of course, those who knew me well enough, did get it, only too well. The whole thing makes your interactions with people less authentic or natural — and they notice. One of the great things about being NC is that you can be totally yourself again, without fear of the shame and the isolation and the loneliness.
Hey Lilian, I would like to join the chorus in supporting your decision to go NC. Silent treatment is a particularly abusive form of blowing cold. Practically, you could use this silent treatment as an opportunity to gather your strength to implement NC.
Everyday you spend in this quicksand, struggling to get him to see the light, is one more day you go under. When I expressed my disgust of being an OW, I got met with a wall of anger as to how terrible it is for him! Yup, enough is enough. Reading all the comments on this thread so reminded me of quicksand.
It can swallow you. I have a picture in my head of pizza. For me at first its wonderful all hot and steamy but then when its cold its quite gross. Being in love with him is emotionally exhausting. They blow hot and cold because they are keeping options open. I needed this so much! I just burst out laughing at the first few paragraphs because it describes my life down to a T right now.
I deserve better than crumbs. NML, wow, I loved it. You are spot on again: My last AC told me: I am glad that I started to see psychologist, I will try to change my attitude towards men, and give them up at least for six months! I have been let down yet again. But I do not know how to change this. I do not know how to actually walk away, without folding when he contacts me with another excuse.
How do I find the courage. Scarlet, How do you find the courage? Put one foot in front of the other and just breathe. Keep this blog handy!! Your message just jumped out at me this morning.
I am on day 41 of no contact. It is SO hard. You can do this. You are worth the short term pain. Going NCR is extremely painful, but also extremely effective. Go see a psychologist asap, preferably beforehand to prepare yourself as much as possible. And then block, it is very hard and is purgatory but if you do it, the rewards are enormous. Look at every dirty, shady thing he has don, said to you, treated you.
Put it on paper — write everything down and read it everyday. Quit giving it away!! He is getting a kick out of seducing you. He may think he is. You may think he is. And when a man does know you better, he shouldnt be doing those things either. To me it is RED. Grace — I agree, blowing hot in the very early stages of dating is a red flag to me now.
I think a man that pushes for intimacy by future faking and showering you with compliments all the time has an ulterior motive. He behaved as though he was head over heels.
He was just constantly BOTH hot and cold: This ridiculous situation went on for seven years. As a result, when I moved to another country, and met AC 2 and he blew incredibly hot for about five seconds, I was completely swept off my feet, because no one had ever treated me with undiminished passion like that.
Then I got to experience the other side of that coin — brutal undiminished coldness. That is what my non-EU boyfriend from last year did, and it ended up being a very nice relationship until OCD interfered.
I have a bit of a crush on a man that travels in the same professional circle that I do. Last night I went to an industry cocktail event and ran into him. You look lovely, by the way. Would you like to get together for dinner this week? By the way, would you like to go back to my place? So I went for the ones blowing hot, thinking that was what true love must be all about. Now I see that was childish. Grace, I wanted to join the chorus of yeses!
The MM showered me with attention, at the beginning, I had never in my life experienced that level of intense interest, far less from someone who was so attractive. What will happen when he does get to know me? If his feelings are so strong now, where is there to go but down? He was in some wierd fantasy on his own. Last year around this time I met someone via online dating who totally swept me off my feet very quickly, he was successful, handsome and very charming.
To cut a long story short after 2 fun and intense months of dating he started pulling back, the texts became less he stopped calling and I felt like I was chasing him. To end it, he agreed to take me to meet some of his friends, on the day he stood me up by sending me a text to say he had a family problem and had to go to his sisters house. I never heard from him again. Am I sexy enough? Was I too quiet?
I struggled to get out of bed to go to work and would sleep until midday during the weekend. Why not this time? Over time I started feeling better and saw the red flags that I missed from the first day I met him and this whole situation became my epiphany. Sometimes it takes a really awful experience with these guys to make you learn some valuable lessons.
I was a wreck by the end of it. I recognised a distinct pattern. Blowing hot and cold is a tried-and-tested technique used by manipulative ACs, and as Natalie says, a massive red flag.
Ladies, if someone does this to you, run like the wind! I just recently discovered your blog and must say I feel like you are speaking directly to me.
I broke it off back in May with I guy I had been seeing for few a months. It was incredibly hot in the beginning then it grew cold. I started hearing less and less from him.
I was always the one sending a text or calling him to see how his day went. Never once did he ever do that for me. I saw the signs and actually thought about breaking it off.
Then I had a conversation with my best friend who tried to justify her behavior based on her experience with her husband. Against my better judgment it continued on with more hot and cold.
It was long distance relationship so phone contact was all we had. I would often come visit because he would complain that he missed me. He was always agitated whenever I had to leave.
Saying he cared about me more than I cared about him. A year before I had met him I was growing tired of my job situation and decided to start look for jobs up north in my home town.
Or so I thought. I got here in February and everything was good for like a month or so. The same hot and cold behavior started. I realized I started to see him less and less. I decided NC was best. I stopped calling, texting him and asking when he would have time to see me.
Little by little I really started to see him for who he was and not what I wanted him to be. He knew I would be looking for my own apartment. He never once volunteered to help me find a place. He never called or checked up on me to see how my move was going.
Here I was driving miles across a few state lines with all my belongings. It was finally starting to hit home and that long drive made things a lot clear. About two months of NC he finally decides to grace me with a text message. I kinda figured he would because of his previous behavior.
In short blaming me for the disconnect. However this time my feelings towards him were different. I wanted to see if he would slip right back into the same behavior. He had a expiration date like everything else in my life. My 30th birthday was approaching in a matter of weeks. I knew he was gonna go sour on that day. Just like the past everyone but him showed me how important I was to them.
He never called, texted or even showed up for my birthday. Telling him exactly how I felt about him and his treatment towards me.
I told it was too late for excuses and apologies and that I never wanted him to contact me again. Its been three months and did was he does best left me alone. Thanks for all the advice and look forward to more. Even the very, very subtle ones. The overt ones were easy. The two subtle ones though i. I wish I had of had access to this article a year and a half ago…because this completely describes my exes behaviour to a tee.
At the time I attributed it to distance however in hindsight he offered a relationship to me shortly before moving away for work.. Of course I was patiently waiting for him to change, hoping that the distance was the only reason for his coolness. Now this behaviour is a red marker for me. Even with distance, there is no excuse for lack of contact. All of these I am familiar with…feeling like a pest when it used to be that they pestered you, having to chase someone who was once ruthless in pursuit, being alone in your feelings, feeling guilty for reminding them of the promises they once made that they are now too BUSY to keep..
I never actually had a name for this behaviour hot and cold.. That was my downfall. But he did do something really distrustful early on, and did break up early on, and i kept believing he did it for other reasons fear and he was too in love with me and pulling away.
I was the one who kept in going, asked him to reconsider pointing out all the good and we could make it work. We have all been hurt — at some point by someone and they have pain and issues as we do. I have been with AC and wont do it again. I have also been with counstless unavailable men that were just that, unavailable and wounded but not idiots or mean…. Hugs to all, and we are in this together, learning and growing. I also have been an AC as a woman, and have learned a lot along the way….: Today my ex EUM contacted me, he said he missed me and I ignored it.
He was as horrible over text after three weeks of no contact as he was when we were together, and kept in contact. He is 7 years older too, so he should know better. I think that last bit of longing has gone away. He was horrid to me then, and he will keep being horrid to me for aslong as I let him. I already give myself a rough time without him giving me one too.
I made the right decision to cut contact and him trying to get back in touch has just proved that to me x. You deserve better than someone who is that horrid to you. Strength to you x. I can relate to what women are saying about unavailable men, blowing hot and cold. My husband of 15 years, and father of my 3 children, was having an affair, living a double life, and I found out by accident.
Getting back into the world of dating was a huge wake up call and education for me. I kept trying to fix the relationship, believing I was causing his behavior! It drove me crazy and drained me of what little self-esteem I had left after my marriage ending. I resolved not to make any contact with him, and did so for three months. It felt like going through withdrawals, but I stayed strong, and was starting to feel better, go out with girlfriends, date, was having fun, even gave myself a big Birthday party.
Then I sent him a text asking him to return something of mine. He came over to my house and we started talking, then I let him into my life again, believing I was smarter and stronger this time. I took it slow, but eventually, he went back into the same pattern with me, only worse! A year later, I started dating someone else and as soon as he started behaving ambivalently, I recognized this, red flag, I told him, I was going to date other people too. One night he stormed out of my house over something minor.
I never made any contact with him again. I continued dating other guys I had been seeing, no big deal. I just tell him, sorry, not interested!
I would have never replied back to him. How long were you guys no contact? Not that it matters. Whether they get back in touch or not nothing has or will ever change. Nothing has or will ever change. Make sticky notes; write it on your bathroom mirror if you have too. We had been in no contact for three weeks, or maybe four. I know I shouldnt have text him back, but curiosity got the better of me. I have been NC with him for almost 6 weeks now, and I was feeling really strong today.
He has apparently taken up with her again. My heart almost jumped out of my chest with palpitations, I became shaky, and I had to take an anti-anxiety pill to settle down. I thought I was doing so well yet my body reacted in this extreme way — almost a panic attack.
I went ahead and blocked him on Facebook, but the thing is I have to see him in person soon for 5 workdays in a row starting in a week from now as our committee gets together for some intensive work sessions. I am preparing a 1. It has been difficult to prepare for it, as I am nervous of him being there. I have gone from my previous excitement to see him pre-OOW knowledge to feeling nauseated at the thought of seeing him.
I am preparing to put all of those into place. I have been lucky so far, as I was off work the first half of July, he was off the second half, and we have not had a committee meeting since we went NC. Now I am dreading seeing him, and having trouble focusing on this project we are working on with the same team. Has anyone else been in a similar spot? I am still shaking inside despite the meds I took. Hey Learner, First, congratulations on 6 weeks NC. Good for you girl. I think I would feel jittery even after a year and a half if I had to work with him again.
I think I would acknowledge the jittery feelings but focus on staying completely professional as Nat advises. Who cares what people might think. I had to learn the hard way too. I feel so sorry for the OOW sitting on a tree stump. I think I sat on the same stump. Lining up his next OOW? Apparently a wife and a mistress is not enough for this guy? It sounds a bit like you may still have him on a pedestal. What a perfect opportunity to totally, completely ice the dickhead! Perfect opportunity for you to run as cold as ice.
Ditch the meds and prepare your presentation, and ICE him. Think of this as a golden opportunity. This guy triggers my anger buttons. Hey, you know you said you had to see him at work? I was with someone for a year and he cheated on me, and I was mega upset about it he was probably more of an assclown than an EUM but I had to see him everyday for college, even though it was awful and my tummy dropped everytime I saw him, I actually think it made me move on quicker, maybe because I saw him so often that I became de-sensetized to him, and I got use to not speaking to him although sometimes I realy really wanted to.
If I felt the urge to talk to him, I would remeber the cheating, and get really angry about it. These guys are so predictable. You need to build yourself up and knock him off the pedestal that has you feeling he is in a position to be looking down at you. Stand tall, walk tall, speak up and smile — a lot.
Learner, I can relate to your anxiety. If I had to see the exMM I would also be reaching for the meds, but I think Runnergirl has a good point and this could be the perfect opportunity for you. As Fearless says knock the creep off the pedestal, concentrate on what a wonderful, strong, capable woman you are and know that you deserve so much more.
It will build your reserves and you will come out stronger. Keep strong and hugs to you. If someone tells you who they are believe them. We just fell to recognize them. Being angry about an ex; is definitely a sign. I am fresh into my stage of NC which is still a critical point but I can say that I am at a much better place than I was 30 days ago.
What is it about 2 months that makes them reach out when it was their choice to dissapear and clearly nothing has changed in 2 months? I fear that too…. Which is foreign to me, but i am learning and better today than I was a month ago, a year ago. Stay strong, and awesome abt being strong in spite of your pain, NC is very hard, very. Awakened and selfhelpgal, congratulations with your NC. Oh gracious, there is a plethora of Nat posts and comments regarding why these guys get back in touch when nothing has changed.
It runs the gamete from needing to make sure you are still an option, reinforcing their fragile egos, making sure they are still da bomb, a shoulder to lean on, maybe a shag, the list is endless.
The only thing we can do is bolt, seal, and firmly lock the door, mend the windows, and NEVER respond. Mine was, as Nat described, like a cockroach after a nuclear bomb. He resorted to snail mail twice even after a year. These guys have unfolded and unfolded and unfolded some more. At some point, it becomes ridiculous not to mention humiliating to keep thinking that fantasy knight who existed only in my imagination will suddenly appear.
This is coming from someone who was humiliated by allowing the con, kept the door ajar, and kept running out to play in traffic. I have learned so much here-on this blog, from Natalie. They are just checking up on their options. Now you can fuck off again! Im at 2 months NC too almost 2 months. It is a lot of work to get to 2 months, so dont underestimate all your hard efforts.
You have work so much to get here and to feel better! I think I am in a better place too, but the past 2 weeks have been really tough.
I dont know if the rejection is finally hitting home or something in me feels super lonely or like someone commented in the past.. Something just doesnt feel right, it doesnt feel happy. Like selfhelpgal, I am going to just focus on getting healthy. And not thinking about the what ifs. I know that my exEUM will never contact me because he has an entire online world of women who he can chat to. Here is a hug to everyone on NC, we can do it. They dont deserve any bit of our brain space, just got to keep strong.
Amen, I feel the same way, and also going through a hard time, mine is a recent break up and I have had a hard time with it. I feel lots of things, and heartbreak. But I know each of us has the strength and internal drive to heal and do better for ourselves. We are worth it….. HUGS to you and sorry you are having a hard time….. As Purplelilly says I think the rejection may finally be hitting home and today has been a day of tears. I just want to feel ok again. I am SO tired of the different emotions that come and go.
And most of all, I hate the pain and hurt. Atleast now I know and can deal with it. But it doesnt make it easy. It makes it very real and scary. Just need to ride the waves when it feels like all is lost, we will get thru. Big hugs and please feel free to send a post to me if you wish to share or talk about something. We let them do this in the past, we are now moving away from that sinking ship and changing our course.
It is damn hard, yes, I feel that too! It is difficult to go through the up and down feelings, but I am hopeful that the good feelings will outnumber the bad ones soon. Put your mind to giving a solid presentation and not caring about what other people think of where you sit. What do we k now about affairs? That they are time limited. The time limit is up. Get on and live your life. Find a good self-hypnosis course and download it.
He is very, very unstable from what I can tell. He can contradict himself 3 times in the same sentence. He has said a lot of stuff that was hurtful and stuff that made me take a step back.
Colee Yes, he does sound unstable, and mean! He doesnt just run hot and cold, he messes with your brain. So glad you are getting yourself away from him. I hope you find someone who treats you better than he has, too!
This was me for just over two years. Every single thing in this article I could have written. At the time I had no idea, but now, wow, there is no way in the world I would put up with that again! Three months since I broke it off and initiated NC.